Seeing the Day
by Ryuuen Chou
Summary: One of WeiB is getting married, but what about the member that wishes it wasn't happening? (shounen-ai, angst)


Seeing the Day  
  
By Ryuuen  
  
Warnings: Shounen-ai, language, dark themes.  
  
The Premise: A member of WeiB is getting married. Another must conceal their sorrow, that the happy event could not be between the two of them.  
  
A/N: Depressing, neee? Oh well. So.. yeah. This is sad. But nice. It's okay. Should be good. Please read and review, C&Cs welcome! ^_^  
  
NOTE: The song in this fic is "Although It's Painful... Always" by Hayashi Nobutoshi.  
  
Seeing the Day  
  
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~"Even the setting sun that sinks like it was burning out is alone, unable to embrace the earth or the deep seas."~  
  
I want to be happy for him. I smile, I tell him, "this is great, I'm so happy for you!". I listen to myself lie, feel myself paste a false smile to my lips, like I've done every day since they came.  
  
Since they came. Yes. Since those three came into my life, and made me want to care about someone again. Made me care about someone again. (I guess it's one of those things, you have to do it, you can't just want to) So, I forced smiles for them and lied to them. I wanted them to like me, because no one ever had before. And they did. And now, it feels almost like a betrayal, his new actions.  
  
So, he's getting married. So... it's not something I should be sad about, right?  
  
I just love him.  
  
~"Though it's been sleeping at the bottom of my heart, the red, painful passion takes me by surprise."~  
  
Only one of them catches on to my lies. He turns to me with violet eyes that speak volumes without his saying a word, and he tells me, "you don't have to hide your sadness."  
  
I want to tell him, "like you don't, Aya-kun?" but instead I just nod, give him my brightest smile, and turn away before he can see the emotion in my eyes. I feel those eyes on me, watching me. I know he knows that I lie, that my smiles are fake. He doesn't take people's emotions at face value, like Yohji-kun does. He isn't too happy to care like Ken-kun is, now.  
  
Ken-kun... I wish I could tell him how I feel. But I can't. If I did, I know he would be sad, and would feel responsible for my feelings. Only, he's not. Only I am responsible for how I feel, and my sadness is my fault, too. He should be happy.  
  
He deserves to be happy, even if I'm not.  
  
~"Whenever I see your tears, I can't stand it. It makes me want to hold you close from behind."~  
  
I know that in all of the books and movies, the people just want their love to be happy, even if it isn't with them, and they take that blow easily and move on with their lives. That isn't the reality. In reality, it's a shocking, painful feeling, and you just wish that you had spoken sooner, said something before now, or you tell yourself that you were too much of a coward to speak out, call yourself stupid, and think "who would want me, anyway?" and you become depressed, and tired of the world. You wish with all your heart that the person you love would be with you instead of whoever they were going to be with now. The pain consumes you, and it's all you can do to get up in the morning, to flash a smile and make breakfast for everyone, continue life even when you feel as though you've died.  
  
"Of course," I tell him. "Of course I'll go to your wedding, Ken-kun!" In an enthusiastic way that makes some people think I'm younger than I am. I don't want to hurt him, so I'll go to his wedding, and pretend to be happy, and then I'll leave. Maybe I won't even come back home afterwards. Maybe I'll just dissappear.  
  
Maybe I can become the wind, and fly away from here like I long to do, away from this pain.  
  
~"I love you to the point it breaks me. No kind of words are enough, because I also have a love that I can never give voice to."~  
  
Ken-kun is out right now, and so is Aya-kun. I'm alone, in the living room, with Yohji-kun, who is not, as I would have thought he would be, out again tonight. I kind of wish he would go out, so that I can stop pretending to smile. But no, he just sits there, watching some stupid show on the TV and muttering murderous threats to women who are married but don't tell him that first. I notice that he's nursing a bruised arm. I feel like I should get him some ice for it, but instead I just stand by the door, watching him. He looks up and I smile at him, another fake smile. He smiles in return, but somehow I know that he doesn't feel it, either. The night is one for somber reflections; dark, with a light rain falling from the heavens like tears. No one wants to be alone on a night like this. No one but me.  
  
"Omi?" His voice cuts through the silence like one of my darts. "Are you alright?"  
  
The sudden urge to tell him everything I feel, how not-alright I am, is quickly supressed. I smile at him and shake my head, ask him why he would think that anything is wrong. I pretend not to notice the slight quiver in my voice and hope he does the same. He doesn't.  
  
"Omi, something's wrong." Yohji-kun states, showing an insight I had never guessed he would have. "You've been acting strangely ever since Ken.."  
  
He trails off. Ah, how astute of him. He's figured me out. I see the knowledge in his eyes, but I'm surprised by the sympathy. He offers me a kind of sad smile. I say nothing.  
  
"You know," he offers in a soft voice, "if you ever want to talk.."  
  
I burst into tears.  
  
~"Can't become a man just by being born. True strength surely starts with love."~  
  
I cry for a long time. All the tears I hid and never expressed are coming out, as I cry into Yohji-kun's shoulder, two days before Ken-kun's wedding, and I tell him everything. The sympathy in those eyes compells me, and I tell him everything I felt. The crush I have on Ken-kun, how devestated I was when I learned he had a girlfriend, and later, when he told me he was going to be married. How I had wished for so long to be more than just a best friend to him. How much this all hurt. He held me and whispered "it's all right"'s to me. I feel safe for the first time in years, truly safe.  
  
At long last, when the tears and tales have died from me, I look up at Yohji-kun, then turn back, laying my head on his shoulder, feeling him holding me, just existing.  
  
"What are you going to do?" Yohji-kun asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper. I open one eye to look up at him. He looks tired.  
  
"I d'nno." I reply, feeling tired myself. "I want to leave."  
  
"Omi.." He sighs before continuing. I feel the breath on the back of my neck. "You can't just leave forever, you know.. even if we're not WeiB anymore, think of what it would do to the others. Aya does care about you, and so does Ken. You'd devestate them if you left."  
  
I know he's right, and feel tears gathering in my eyes again. "Who said I wanted them to care about me?" I ask in helpless frustration. "Who said I wanted to care about you guys..? I never cared before."  
  
"Omi.. whatever happened before.. well, that's before. This is now. If you care about us, and we care about you.. then whatever happens, we'll always be together." He says, and I want so badly to believe him. "Always. No matter what. Something like this.. we can't let it tear us apart."  
  
"I know," I whisper helplessely, "but it hurts.."  
  
"Omittchi," Yohji-kun is smiling slightly now, looking down at me. "You're only.. what, seventeen? You'll love again. I assure you, this won't be the last time you find someone you want to spend your life with."  
  
He's right. I curl up on his lap with my head on his chest, surprising him by falling asleep there.  
  
~"If there's a smile beyond your tears, I'll watch over you, like the dependable guy I am."~  
  
The wedding is today. I'm sitting on one of the benches, near the front. Being Ken-kun's closest "family", Aya-kun, Yohji-kun, and I have been given the seats usually reserved for blood relations, mothers and uncles and such. It's a Western style wedding. This is because Ken-kun's fiance (soon to be his wife) is American. I don't know her name. She's not spectacularly good-looking, but she has a kind look to her. I know just by looking that she's a good person. She'll be good with Ken-kun. Which is a good thing, since I swore to Yohji-kun the other night that if she ever hurt him I'd be on her faster than an hawk to it's prey.  
  
My eyes linger to the other side of the aisle as the priest speaks on and on about the virtues and vows of marraige. The bride's whole family came here from America, even her grandmother. Her mother is crying with joy. Ken-kun is a good person. He shouldn't have any problems with his in-laws, either.  
  
I'm glad that he'll be happy with his new life. Now he can finally leave WeiB behind. He can begin a new life, with a wife, and children, and a little house with a white picket fence and a dog named Fido. Okay... now I'm just being bitter.  
  
I feel tears gather in my eyes as the bride and groom kiss. They are wed.  
  
~"I love you to the point it breaks me. No kind of words are enough. If it's a love that can't be granted, then I'll wish only for your happiness."~  
  
It's been a month, to the day, since Ken-kun was married. The girl's name, I later discovered, is Crysta. She's a nice person, with a pretty smile and an honest manner. Ken-kun is very happy with her. They just got back from their honeymoon. They went to some tropical place, I think it was Hawaii, or Puerto Rico, or something like that. Some island in the middle of nowhere.  
  
In the meantime, I think I've at least made progress towards getting over Ken-kun. I hit rock-bottom for about a week, but with the help of Yohji-kun and Aya-kun, I got back on my feet. I'm glad that I was able to.  
  
Right now, I'm sitting in the living room with Yohji-kun, just like I did then, over a month ago. Then, I was mourning a lost love. Now, I'm discovering a new one.  
  
I've found now, that anyone can be happy. Even though I'll always love Ken-kun, and he was my first true love, I know that I will find someone else someday.  
  
I'm moving forward.. from the shadows, to a brand new day.  
  
~"The setting sun sinks again; as it embraced it's passion, it reaches it's inward rest. Although it's painful... always."~  
  
~owari~ 


End file.
